I have a bunch of jumbled thoughts all tumbling together in my head and I'm not even sure if I can get them out to make sense of...
But the month is coming to a close and I realize that I have only two posts for the month of September, which saddens me.
Now, there are several very logical, satisfying, judicial reasons... but it simply saddens me that I haven't the time to post at least once a week anymore. It causes me to question my motives for not posting: Am I really busy, or is it just a lack of in-depth thought-provoking substance of thought on my part?
Am I not posting out of laziness, or am I really justified in not taking the time to think about something long enough for my soul to need the outlet of writing it and posting it in it's conclusion?
Today is the last day of September. What do I have to show for it? Have I done nothing of substance? I think the answer to that is no. So let's examine.
I have been contemplating a lot of things of great substance but I'm not sure I've been able to carry them to any sort of conclusion in my mind. I've been struggling with the trial of living away from home and combining my biological family with my tangible family.
I call the Mazurs my tangible family simply because they are now the family I interact with on a daily basis. I'm not saying my biological family are not REAL family, or tangible, I just have removed myself from them - about a two-and-a-half hour drive away. So as you can see, I don't see them very often as of late.
I've talked with Erin on several occasions about how I feel like I'm on a raft floating out in the middle of the sea, miles away from anything. And we debate about how her family's raft plays a role with my little one-seater. We've decided I'm sort of floating away from my parents' raft and kind of looking back wistfully, and the Mazurs have tossed me a line and I've caught it and tied it to my mast, so they are tugging me along behind them, and now the slack has gone and I'm being shunted along and wondering what's happening(??!!).
I've shared with her how I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo.
I really do think I'm in a limbo state. It's not a state of having nothing to do, or being discontented, or even waiting for my life to start... exactly. I'm just in a state of unsettled-ness. It's not stemming from being away from my parents... being with my parents simply masks the restlessness of my spirit.
No, I feel that God has me in this state for a good reason and a purpose. I feel like the next step of my life will be marriage and the process of making my OWN family. Constructing a multi-seater family raft that will be mine and my husbands and nobody else's.
Again, I must state that this restlessness does NOT equate discontent, or having nothing to do until the next phase begins. I just simply am aware of what's going on and my own feeling of restlessness.
Now, lest anyone get excited: I am NOT in courtship with anyone; nor do I have any reason to believe that that will be happening anytime in the near future. I have no reason to believe that there is the prospect of that happening at this time. I just feel that it will be the next phase of my life, whether that be within the next year, or the next ten years.
I will not attempt to sound holier than I am... I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW!!!! My soul cries out in anguish of spirit of the wrenching desire to BE MARRIED. I find myself fighting with my knowledge of God and that His timing is perfect and find myself wondering if He has forgotten me.
At the same time, I am very busy and sometimes get so caught up in my busyness that I forget entirely that I have a wrenching pain in my gut. I like this condition much better. Busyness is such a gift from God.
I will also not try to sound like I'm in more anguish of spirit, or wandering away from God in my own consuming desires. This is not the case. Yes I struggle. But I DO have knowledge of who God is, and I'm so thankful to be able to rest in Him at the same time as I pour out my desires into His lap.
I know that He sees me and hears me; I am confident that He knows the plans that He has for me... plans to build me up and not to tear me down; to give me a hope and a future.
And, so far, I'm quietly confident that those plans include a husband, for whom I will be an good help meet.
Growth does not always come in forms of deep thought and expression. It is often a slow, gradual process that comes more from listening and often can't find expression at once. Don't be discouraged because you haven't had things to write about. Have you been searching the scriptures? Have you been fixing the eyes on the eternal? Have you been endeavoring to spend your time wisely? Then you have been about the Lord's business.
ReplyDelete