September Closes

I have a bunch of jumbled thoughts all tumbling together in my head and I'm not even sure if I can get them out to make sense of...
But the month is coming to a close and I realize that I have only two posts for the month of September, which saddens me.

Now, there are several very logical, satisfying, judicial reasons... but it simply saddens me that I haven't the time to post at least once a week anymore. It causes me to question my motives for not posting: Am I really busy, or is it just a lack of in-depth thought-provoking substance of thought on my part?

Am I not posting out of laziness, or am I really justified in not taking the time to think about something long enough for my soul to need the outlet of writing it and posting it in it's conclusion?

Today is the last day of September. What do I have to show for it? Have I done nothing of substance? I think the answer to that is no. So let's examine.

I have been contemplating a lot of things of great substance but I'm not sure I've been able to carry them to any sort of conclusion in my mind. I've been struggling with the trial of living away from home and combining my biological family with my tangible family.

I call the Mazurs my tangible family simply because they are now the family I interact with on a daily basis. I'm not saying my biological family are not REAL family, or tangible, I just have removed myself from them - about a two-and-a-half hour drive away. So as you can see, I don't see them very often as of late.

I've talked with Erin on several occasions about how I feel like I'm on a raft floating out in the middle of the sea, miles away from anything. And we debate about how her family's raft plays a role with my little one-seater. We've decided I'm sort of floating away from my parents' raft and kind of looking back wistfully, and the Mazurs have tossed me a line and I've caught it and tied it to my mast, so they are tugging me along behind them, and now the slack has gone and I'm being shunted along and wondering what's happening(??!!).

I've shared with her how I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo.
I really do think I'm in a limbo state. It's not a state of having nothing to do, or being discontented, or even waiting for my life to start... exactly. I'm just in a state of unsettled-ness. It's not stemming from being away from my parents... being with my parents simply masks the restlessness of my spirit.

No, I feel that God has me in this state for a good reason and a purpose. I feel like the next step of my life will be marriage and the process of making my OWN family. Constructing a multi-seater family raft that will be mine and my husbands and nobody else's.

Again, I must state that this restlessness does NOT equate discontent, or having nothing to do until the next phase begins. I just simply am aware of what's going on and my own feeling of restlessness.

Now, lest anyone get excited: I am NOT in courtship with anyone; nor do I have any reason to believe that that will be happening anytime in the near future. I have no reason to believe that there is the prospect of that happening at this time. I just feel that it will be the next phase of my life, whether that be within the next year, or the next ten years.

I will not attempt to sound holier than I am... I WANT IT TO HAPPEN NOW!!!! My soul cries out in anguish of spirit of the wrenching desire to BE MARRIED. I find myself fighting with my knowledge of God and that His timing is perfect and find myself wondering if He has forgotten me.

At the same time, I am very busy and sometimes get so caught up in my busyness that I forget entirely that I have a wrenching pain in my gut. I like this condition much better. Busyness is such a gift from God.

I will also not try to sound like I'm in more anguish of spirit, or wandering away from God in my own consuming desires. This is not the case. Yes I struggle. But I DO have knowledge of who God is, and I'm so thankful to be able to rest in Him at the same time as I pour out my desires into His lap.

I know that He sees me and hears me; I am confident that He knows the plans that He has for me... plans to build me up and not to tear me down; to give me a hope and a future.

And, so far, I'm quietly confident that those plans include a husband, for whom I will be an good help meet.

Thinking...

Well, I'm thinking about writing a book.
Not really a new thought for me, I have about four books started and am still slogging my way through most of them.

But this book would be different. This book would be about me, AND be fictional at the same time. I have started a few fiction books, and have a work in progress that is about me, but not a fictional book about me...

I guess this blog is about discovering why this book frightens and excites me at the same time.

If I start this book, I don't want to just get a few chapters written and then shelve it. Once I start this book I intend to follow it through to completion. That's a big step for me. I am great at starting things, but I'm the master at leaving them unfinished and going off to start the next new thing that interests me.

I can't even count the multitude of projects begun, some mostly done some barely even started, and then left to mildew and become moth-eaten on a shelf or stuffed into a closet or packed away into a drawer and forgotten.

But this book can't go like that. I have decided that I have way too many unfinished projects to simply start another with the same attitude of whim and abandon.

One of the reasons this book frightens me is that it means putting myself into a character that can be read on a page. I pride myself on knowing "me" pretty well... but do I? I fancy I know myself a lot better than most people know themselves, but is that enough to enable me to characterize myself? Am I really honest enough with myself to put myself on a page and make people really be able to identify with this character? And if I CAN do that... can I make people love me?

I guess I'm frightened of being so absolutely transparent.

Why is it so different from the non-fiction books I've started that are about me? I would think that would feel pretty transparent... but for some reason it's quite a different thing.

Ah well, we shall see. Thanks for joining me on this ramble!

Love Covers a Multitude of Sins

"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, is not rude, is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails." (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

In most of our romantic comedies, or love stories (i.e. chick flicks) we're given the line, "Love conquers all!" But we aren't shown a true portrayal of what love is. In Paul's first epistlet to the Corinthian church he clearly tells us what God's version of "love" is.

It's not some touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey romantic emotion that takes over your mind and fills your head with a euphoric sense of devotion to some "stray puppy-dog" of a man.

Love is a divine gift. Love is what died on the cross, knowing that it was dying for sick and sinning people still trapped in their death-throws of putrid carnal lusts. Love looked through all that rancouring decay and determined, "These children I will take to my heart and save; they are worth dying for."

Yes, love conquers all, it conquered the grave!

But it isn't the weak little lifeless thing we think it is. It's the love of Christ. It is a piece of God's power.

This power cancels the punishment of sin, paying off the debt for our transgressions, buying pardon where there was guilt; life where there was death.

This power is not only attainable by God for Himself to use toward us, but even we can tap into it's power for our own use - through the Holy Spirit: God dwelling in us once we are saved.

We have this amazing power that we can channel to our fellow-children and God promises that with love we can "cover a multitude of sins." This means that when someone sins against us, we can cover that sin with love.

Not our own "love" - God's love. We have God's love and we can cover sin with it!

What a better use of our abilities it would be to cover another's sin with love, rather than to point fingers and lay blame and guilt on that person. What a testimony of our heritage - Christianity - we have the power of portraying to the world!